Almost 30 & Single Forever?

I read a tweet one day that said “those degrees won’t keep you warm at night.” I’ve been asked so many times about whether or not I’m seriously dating someone, that I’m about to make up a partner to curb the conversations. They are all the same.

“Are you STILL single?”

“Is this by choice or…?”

“What happened to *insert person’s name that they didn’t like but it’s better than the possibility of me being alone, unwedded, and without kids*?”

It never fails. Every single time. Every single family function. Every woman over the age of 40 years old asks me the same questions. Sometimes my peers ask as well. Are the other facets of my life not enough? Am I not whole on my own? Should I be spending my precious 20s searching, SEARCHING SEARCHING, for a man, a spouse, a soulmate? Is that how this works? Are all my wedded, 2.5 kids with a picket-fence peers “ahead of me”? Does that make me behind?

Someone’s husband once told me “you look like someone that doesn’t want kids.”

WHAT. DOES. THAT. EVEN. MEAN.

For real, for real. What does a person who wants kids look like? Is it a certain look? Certain outfit? Certain vibe? Am I too “free”? Too focused on me (as I thought I should be. You know. Minding my own business. Running my own race. Making myself the best me)? Is there a time limit on getting myself together? Should that have ended at 25? Have I missed the “golden hour” of marriage, happiness, success, love, kids, and the American Dream? Is 27 too old to WANT to be single?

All of these questions buzz through my mind. Usually to calm them, I think: what God has for me is for me. And whenever I rush things, they don’t end well. But is this just the talk you give yourself when you’re a loser who can’t find a husband…or a man…or a man friend? Is this the lie I’ve concocted to “pretend” to be okay with how my life panned out? Is everyone right? Am I going to end up alone? Did I spend all those years in school and fail to snag a doctor, or a lawyer, or someone worthy of bragging on at my high school reunion? Is Twitter right —— those degrees have never cuddled up with me at night. They don’t even make me happy most days. And they were very very very expensive pieces of paperweight.

Ok, back to not having a man, a plan, a kid, and a house. 

The most interesting piece of this puzzle is I meet SOOO many men my age who are in NO RUSH WHATSOEVER to settle down. They feel like they have ALLLLL the time in the world to get married. To settle down and have children. They feel like their mid to late 20s isn’t about finding a mate, but rather securing their future. I know so many men who say they want to establish a foundation and accomplish most of their goals before they consider settling down — which I think is an amazing idea. Where is that grace for women? Why can’t women say the same thing without society asking “how long have you been single” and assuming you’ll be “living alone with a bunch of cats” for the the rest of your life?

I’m unwedded, with no kids, no potential husband, and I don’t like cats.

Where’s my place in the world? Where do I fit? Am I suppose to be salty because I’ve been a bridesmaid but never a bride? Am I suppose to be out seeking a spouse (like right now, at this exact moment)? Is there still time for me? Am I missing the narrow window? Should I disregard all the times that people who are married or have been married before have told me NOT to get married? Should I suspend my current goals to focus on forever with my future soulmate?

What do I do?

Signed,

Jessica — Unwedded & W/O Kids 

3 Comments

  1. Kyla

    This is DEFINITELY a gendered thing. I have met so many guys who are older than me and in absolutely zero rush to get married. No one asks them when they are gonna settle down, and no one questions why they are still single except to say how great they are so they should be taken. Yet women are the ones who no matter how accomplished they are, are not complete until they are married. I’m over it and happily single!!

    1. Us

      I definitely agree. I’ve seen how women are shamed for the same thing that men are praised for. If marriage is truly an accomplishment…it should be glorified no matter the gender. Thanks for reading!

  2. Alexandria

    As a married (at twenty something year old) with two kids, and a rented condo, let me tell you….you aren’t missing anything. It’s actually quite overrated. The idea of building your life with someone and having someone to go through life with is cool but the same thing can happen even if you aren’t married. Marriage is very much like a job and the stress of trying to manage expectations for two people, whew child. I would not get married again. And newsflash, most married people are not happy and if they are, it took a long ass time to get there. Don’t let anybody get in your head. You have options if you want kids, your degrees can get you your house and fence. And you’re probably saving yourself so many headaches not being tethered to someone else, their family and whatever shenanigans were bound to come your way. Don’t let anyone shame or guilt you into this farce! Ha

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